Ceci est tout

When I had drank a few on Thursday night I let my friend Judy talk me into texting Mr System to see if he was out, he replied quickly to say he wasnt, we had a bit of a text conversation, centering around when we were next going to go out. I know I said I wasnt going to chase anymore but I really wanted a complete conclusion to him.
He stopped replying after a while, without saying when and if we were going to go out again.
So on Friday I decided to try one last time, get my final answer and asked him outright.
No reply.

Deleted his number, his messages and tried to delete him from my thoughts.
That one I cant quite manage.

For some reason, this one hurts more than the others ever have. Yes I've met lots of men, had feelings for them but all of them have been easy to move on from. Generally done after a day or so of nursing a bruised ego.
This one hurts.
I cant stop thinking about him, he's in my thoughts most of the day. I think of him on a night when I go to bed and have to stop myself emailing him during the day at work.
I wanted him to meet my friends, maybe come to Vicky and Rob's wedding as my guest. I really wanted this one to work.
Stupid after one date, but I did and his behaviour made me think thats what he wanted too.
Obviously I was wrong.

I wonder if the reason he suddenly backed off was because he found out about my past with Bedboy. He is a good friend of Bedboy and might not be happy knowing we have had encounters.
If thats the case why hasnt he just said so rather than still giving me hope.

I'm an emotional wreck whenever I think of him and could cry now, just writing this.
It hurts to know that he thinks so little of me when I think so much of him.
I wish I could hate him for it but I know thats its very likely to be my own loose past that has put him off.
Either that or I am actually unlovable.

I’ve decided I’m never going to be interested in another man ever again. All they do is show interest then back off for no reason at all and reject any advances I make.
I end up feeling shit, unwanted and undesirable. No-one deserves to make me feel like that yet every single one of them I meet does.
Therefore I am never falling for it again.
I am giving up all of my romantic ideas, it’s only ever happens to other people, never to me.
There must be something that makes me unsuitable for anything further than the initial date.

I’m sick of getting my hopes up only to be made to feel rubbish about myself afterwards.

I am now going to resign myself to be eternally single. I can’t hurt myself, reject myself or make myself feel unlovable.

Totally utterly disappointed that I haven’t figured this out by now…

Some people really like the excitement of the first stages of dating.
You know, after the first, maybe second date, you're keeping in contact, tentatively but still in contact.
That can be intriguing, excitement at the unknown and the potential.

I don't find that. I find it irritating and a little too much like a game.

If you like the person you have dated, tell them, compliment them, shyly if you feel that way. Don't go from texting everyday to only texting occasionally and not putting the kisses on the texts that you originally did.
And then don't play a game when we bump into each other on a night out that you'll slyly touch me, kiss on the cheek when friends arent looking then just give me a hug when you leave.
Don't hide me and if you're playing it cool to keep your business personal from your friends, then tell me. I can be cool!

And what on earth does it mean when you say you wouldnt want to jump into sex straight off the cuff when we'd been drinking. Not as the first time. What does that mean? I'm not used to that!

Are you slowing down after realising that things went very quickly at the start, I met half your family on the second date and you dont want to drop into a comfortable relationship that quickly? Not that I want a comfortable relationship, I like fun and excitement but I like hearing from you, I smiled all last week and was nicer to my customers as a result of you emailing me all day. I went to bed after receiving a goodnight message from you and smiled my way to sleep.
Now all I get is a short response when I text you.

Well I'm not doing it anymore. You want me, you want to see me? Well you text me. I'm not doing all the chasing. This works both ways and I dont play games and I get bored easily so dont play them.

Or is it the simple fact that you do really like me but you want to be single when you go on holiday in October, so you're dragging this out as long as you can?
I hope not. I barely keep interest in 'The Game' long enough to last a few weeks, by October they'll be someone else intriging me.

I need a hint, you need to let me know or you'll loose me and from the little hints you have given me, I think you wouldnt want that.
Just dont play the game. I hate games.

Finally! We got the first date done with! We went to the beach, shared a seafood platter, that he hated and pulled faces that made me hurt with laughter then we hid from the rain in the amusements with my handbag full of 2ps, we realised the rain wasnt going to stop so just went for it and got soaked. Lovely day though!

We laughed all day about everything, had a kiss in the car when he dropped me off. Been texting each other since

Looks wise, not my type at all but perfect personality and definately fanciable.
Watch this space...

Wow! I hadn't realised just how long it has been since I last wrote!
Life has been totally hectic this last month, working 70 hour weeks and still trying to grab sleep and a social life in between all that.
Life is calmer now.
Well there is less work on.
I'm back down to 60 hour weeks.

So, the update!
I have met some new people, met a new man, decided the new man was just another toser and then amazingly I have met another man, who seems to be scarily wonderful!
Saying that, we haven't been on our first date yet and have only met twice but since we exchanged numbers a week ago we haven't stopped texting and emailing each other. I'm beginning to see it a little like online dating just knowing that we have met previously.

The first man, works at the local Cannon's gym, seemed nice enough, had a late night snogging session on my kitchen sofa and when I saw him out the weekend after, his friends asking him when he was going to take me out, he out of the blue, in front of a group of mutual friends, say's 'I have a problem with dating girls who have already slept with one of my friends'.
Ouch.
I assumed, as did the mutual friends, that he meant Bedboy.
It would appear he didn't.
When he apologised later in the night he said he heard it was someone else who is currently with one of my friends. This is actually untrue, however I'd already mentioned Bedboy and the damage was done.
Last weekend he rang and text me incessantly one night asking me to meet him, this progressed to hotel requests. I bluntly told him via text that I had more about myself than to go to a hotel with someone who last week thought he was too good for me.
He text the next day apologising and has since tried to keep in touch, however I have met the new man and I'm hoping this one comes out right.

New man, Mr System is a friend of a friend, well actually a friend of Bedboy, which is inconvenient but passable...
Anyhoo, we met out one night and got on well, met again the following week and exchanged numbers. Since then we have spoken every day by text or email. We are very friendly with each other, speaking almost as if we have dated for a while. He texts things saying he wants a snuggle, I sent him one of those forward funny email's and he replied saying it reminded him of me. We text to say goodnight every night.
Yet we still haven't gone on the first date! We arranged one but a family meal came up and he couldn't make it, so far we are tentative for tomorrow daytime but who knows what may come up!
Getting frustrated because its as if someone wrote an instruction manual
on how to get me to fall for someone and gave it to him. I am totally falling for him and I think I need someone to give me a damn good slapping!!! And I hope to god he’s being sincere but the chances are he’s a clever pregnant fish like the rest of the men I've met and he’s saying everything he is just to screw with me or screw me, either way, its not good.
I know I shouldn't write it off before we even get on the first date but knowing how other men have treat me its hard to not look at it with skeptism...