Seems I've not written for a while. Guess moving house and making a point to myself that I really should crack on at work and show my worth rather than admitting defeat and skiving as best as I can, leaves me very little time to write a blog!

As it is I am now settled (as such) back in the 'warm bud' of my family home. I say as such, seems after being back here for all of 3 weeks it is very clear that me moving back is very unwelcome. I have been blamed for mum falling down the stairs, the house being a mess, there not being food in the cupboards and general grumpiness in the house. Clearly ignoring the fact that my sisters are on easter holidays so the younger sister has had her friends and her on-off boyfriend round all the time, mum has split up with her git of a boyfriend and is utterly miserable about it and my older sister has got essays to hand in and has had to take a second bar job just to be able to fund her trips to university. Clearly that is all my fault so therefore I need to be made to feel as much of an annoyance as possible. All the things that i was looking forward to when moving back are now a distant memory. All I can think of now is, I wonder who's living in my flat now and can I really afford to move back out anytime soon?

Its all rather depressing really.

To add insult to an already miserable month I havent had a period for 6 weeks and there is a strong possibility that the drunkan one night only fling may actually have caused THE most unwanted pregnancy possible.
Actually, the only reason it would be unwanted is that the person responsible is nothing more than a friend, a man about town (or would like to think he is) who would be as good a father as a box of fireworks. That and the fact I am living at home, in considerable debt and still trying to find my career feet, means that if I am in a reproduced state then it would quickly have to be rectified.

I have always said that I couldnt have an abortion, no matter what the circumstances but now that it may actually be a circumstance, I now realise that you cant make that statement until you have been there yourself. The equally annoying part is that I am now realising that instead of running away from the idea of having children and being married, I now see that having a nice house, a flash car and a high flying career isnt always the best. I hate being on my own for one thing, so my lovely house would be a very frustrating place to be.

I was out with a friend and her 18 month old daughter, Lucy at the weekend and watching them both and spending time with Lucy made me jealous. Sam has this adorable little girl who even when she is crying for no reason, clearly adores her. We were shopping and lucy was allowed out the pram for a toddle and kept dancing and being generally cheeky. She kept clutching onto my hand and playing with me. She was in no means being perfectly charming but she really did make me smile. It was the bond between them both that I found amazing, obviously I have seen mothers and daughters before but never when the mother is a close friend of mine. She is still the same person I met but now she has this little life who she has slotted into her life. I cant say it was easy for her because I know it hasnt been but for all the struggle she has had, she now has this child who will love her forever. It really did make me put a whole new perspective on my already sketchy 5 year plan.

I realise I do actually want the man, the house and the child(ren). I want to create something amazing and share it with a man who loves me as much as I love him. I want a reason for staying home at night rather than staying in because i have nothing else to do. I want to cuddle up, knowing that baby is asleep and safe in bed, knowing that the home we have is one we created.
Problem I have is that I cant find a man who even wants to date me let alone do the rest of it.
Is the reason I'm feeling like this because I am in fact already pregnant and its just my hormones playing with me or am I just growing up?

I had a dream last night that I had a little girl called Georgia. She was amazing, curly blonde hair, big eyes and cubby hands. Perfect. It was even so vivid as to me breast feeding her and seeing my nipples exactly as they are for real. Again, is this because I'm pregnant or is it just the fact that I'm worried about it?
I did a test last week and it was negative but it was only one of those cheap tests, Sam did one and it was negative so she bought one of the clear blue ones and it came back positive. She is now 3 months pregnant with her second child.
I'm going to buy on of the clear blue tests tomorrow.
If I am, he doesnt need to know and he wont be told. No good would come of it.

One thing I have learnt this year is that I am actually very lonely. i have 2 friends I could confide anything in, Sam and Gemma, knowing that they would be there for me no matter what. The girl I would call my best friend has let me down at the time when I needed her the most and while I tell her my secret sex scandals and tell her most of my secrets its more of the fact that I see her more than I see the others. Dont get me wrong, I adore her, my best memories of my adult life as shared with her, she has previously been an amazing best friend but since she met this guy who she is marrying this year, he is her ultimate in her life. I know I couldnt ring her and say I needed her right away and know she would come, she wouldnt. Its a sad fact, knowing how inseperable we were.

Out of all these friends, I am the only single one. Sam is married with Lucy and another on the way and Gemma is newly engaged and utterly loving coupled life. I cant ring them up and call up a spontanious night out, they have other prorities.

I guess my biggest issue is that I want to feel needed and loved. Maybe thats what all this boils down to...