When I had drank a few on Thursday night I let my friend Judy talk me into texting Mr System to see if he was out, he replied quickly to say he wasnt, we had a bit of a text conversation, centering around when we were next going to go out. I know I said I wasnt going to chase anymore but I really wanted a complete conclusion to him.
He stopped replying after a while, without saying when and if we were going to go out again.
So on Friday I decided to try one last time, get my final answer and asked him outright.
No reply.

Deleted his number, his messages and tried to delete him from my thoughts.
That one I cant quite manage.

For some reason, this one hurts more than the others ever have. Yes I've met lots of men, had feelings for them but all of them have been easy to move on from. Generally done after a day or so of nursing a bruised ego.
This one hurts.
I cant stop thinking about him, he's in my thoughts most of the day. I think of him on a night when I go to bed and have to stop myself emailing him during the day at work.
I wanted him to meet my friends, maybe come to Vicky and Rob's wedding as my guest. I really wanted this one to work.
Stupid after one date, but I did and his behaviour made me think thats what he wanted too.
Obviously I was wrong.

I wonder if the reason he suddenly backed off was because he found out about my past with Bedboy. He is a good friend of Bedboy and might not be happy knowing we have had encounters.
If thats the case why hasnt he just said so rather than still giving me hope.

I'm an emotional wreck whenever I think of him and could cry now, just writing this.
It hurts to know that he thinks so little of me when I think so much of him.
I wish I could hate him for it but I know thats its very likely to be my own loose past that has put him off.
Either that or I am actually unlovable.

I’ve decided I’m never going to be interested in another man ever again. All they do is show interest then back off for no reason at all and reject any advances I make.
I end up feeling shit, unwanted and undesirable. No-one deserves to make me feel like that yet every single one of them I meet does.
Therefore I am never falling for it again.
I am giving up all of my romantic ideas, it’s only ever happens to other people, never to me.
There must be something that makes me unsuitable for anything further than the initial date.

I’m sick of getting my hopes up only to be made to feel rubbish about myself afterwards.

I am now going to resign myself to be eternally single. I can’t hurt myself, reject myself or make myself feel unlovable.

Totally utterly disappointed that I haven’t figured this out by now…

Some people really like the excitement of the first stages of dating.
You know, after the first, maybe second date, you're keeping in contact, tentatively but still in contact.
That can be intriguing, excitement at the unknown and the potential.

I don't find that. I find it irritating and a little too much like a game.

If you like the person you have dated, tell them, compliment them, shyly if you feel that way. Don't go from texting everyday to only texting occasionally and not putting the kisses on the texts that you originally did.
And then don't play a game when we bump into each other on a night out that you'll slyly touch me, kiss on the cheek when friends arent looking then just give me a hug when you leave.
Don't hide me and if you're playing it cool to keep your business personal from your friends, then tell me. I can be cool!

And what on earth does it mean when you say you wouldnt want to jump into sex straight off the cuff when we'd been drinking. Not as the first time. What does that mean? I'm not used to that!

Are you slowing down after realising that things went very quickly at the start, I met half your family on the second date and you dont want to drop into a comfortable relationship that quickly? Not that I want a comfortable relationship, I like fun and excitement but I like hearing from you, I smiled all last week and was nicer to my customers as a result of you emailing me all day. I went to bed after receiving a goodnight message from you and smiled my way to sleep.
Now all I get is a short response when I text you.

Well I'm not doing it anymore. You want me, you want to see me? Well you text me. I'm not doing all the chasing. This works both ways and I dont play games and I get bored easily so dont play them.

Or is it the simple fact that you do really like me but you want to be single when you go on holiday in October, so you're dragging this out as long as you can?
I hope not. I barely keep interest in 'The Game' long enough to last a few weeks, by October they'll be someone else intriging me.

I need a hint, you need to let me know or you'll loose me and from the little hints you have given me, I think you wouldnt want that.
Just dont play the game. I hate games.

Finally! We got the first date done with! We went to the beach, shared a seafood platter, that he hated and pulled faces that made me hurt with laughter then we hid from the rain in the amusements with my handbag full of 2ps, we realised the rain wasnt going to stop so just went for it and got soaked. Lovely day though!

We laughed all day about everything, had a kiss in the car when he dropped me off. Been texting each other since

Looks wise, not my type at all but perfect personality and definately fanciable.
Watch this space...

Wow! I hadn't realised just how long it has been since I last wrote!
Life has been totally hectic this last month, working 70 hour weeks and still trying to grab sleep and a social life in between all that.
Life is calmer now.
Well there is less work on.
I'm back down to 60 hour weeks.

So, the update!
I have met some new people, met a new man, decided the new man was just another toser and then amazingly I have met another man, who seems to be scarily wonderful!
Saying that, we haven't been on our first date yet and have only met twice but since we exchanged numbers a week ago we haven't stopped texting and emailing each other. I'm beginning to see it a little like online dating just knowing that we have met previously.

The first man, works at the local Cannon's gym, seemed nice enough, had a late night snogging session on my kitchen sofa and when I saw him out the weekend after, his friends asking him when he was going to take me out, he out of the blue, in front of a group of mutual friends, say's 'I have a problem with dating girls who have already slept with one of my friends'.
Ouch.
I assumed, as did the mutual friends, that he meant Bedboy.
It would appear he didn't.
When he apologised later in the night he said he heard it was someone else who is currently with one of my friends. This is actually untrue, however I'd already mentioned Bedboy and the damage was done.
Last weekend he rang and text me incessantly one night asking me to meet him, this progressed to hotel requests. I bluntly told him via text that I had more about myself than to go to a hotel with someone who last week thought he was too good for me.
He text the next day apologising and has since tried to keep in touch, however I have met the new man and I'm hoping this one comes out right.

New man, Mr System is a friend of a friend, well actually a friend of Bedboy, which is inconvenient but passable...
Anyhoo, we met out one night and got on well, met again the following week and exchanged numbers. Since then we have spoken every day by text or email. We are very friendly with each other, speaking almost as if we have dated for a while. He texts things saying he wants a snuggle, I sent him one of those forward funny email's and he replied saying it reminded him of me. We text to say goodnight every night.
Yet we still haven't gone on the first date! We arranged one but a family meal came up and he couldn't make it, so far we are tentative for tomorrow daytime but who knows what may come up!
Getting frustrated because its as if someone wrote an instruction manual
on how to get me to fall for someone and gave it to him. I am totally falling for him and I think I need someone to give me a damn good slapping!!! And I hope to god he’s being sincere but the chances are he’s a clever pregnant fish like the rest of the men I've met and he’s saying everything he is just to screw with me or screw me, either way, its not good.
I know I shouldn't write it off before we even get on the first date but knowing how other men have treat me its hard to not look at it with skeptism...

I am so close to walking out of my job at this moment. I've had to come here to write this and vent my stress.
I am sick of having people talking at me. Not talking to me or asking me to do something I am just having a constant tirade of complaints, moans, grumbles. I am really struggling with having 2 jobs and working 70 hour weeks. Things are going missing at work, things arent being recorded and if anther chinese person tells me that 15 walk is too far I will shoot them.
Even the 14 year old we have on placement has said he doesnt know why I put up with what I do.
I am on the verge of either crying or getting my bag and leaving. Sod the place. I'll survive off my bar job.

Yesterday sister situations went from bad to worse.

Asked Amy what she was up to last night, as we generally do ask each other and she calmly told me she was going out for a drink with Hands.
I maintained my cool until I got upstairs and quietly ranted and raved to Dee.
Went out for a bit with Dee and she got me to do the stress relief trick of winding the car windows down, turning up the music and screaming, Tarzan style at the top of my lungs. It's wonderful!

So, is it just me or is it morally wrong that Amy, my sister has gone on a date with someone I have pretty much had sex with? She knows this, knows I have spent the past month saying I'm looking forward to him coming back from his trip so I can see if we can take off where we left off. She knows I liked him (see the past tense. He revolts me now) and has gone on a date. Totally below the belt, morally wrong and utterly disgusting. Imagine being with a guy knowing that he's also had his head between your sisters legs and given her multiple orgasms! WRONG!!!!

I am so very, very angry with her. Its something you wouldn’t do to a friend but she is happy to do it to her sister. I always knew she was a tart but this is just ridiculous!
After ranting about it with Dee last night I've decided I've had enough. She has been putting my down my whole life, moving away from home made me realise I was better than she made me feel so I can cope with her better now. Rather than thinking I'm obviously the less attractive sister and that’s why he's gone for her after me, as I would have done a few years ago, I now realise it's her who is the lesser person. Dee has said she is jealous of me and that’s why she does what she does. I don’t need someone like that, even if she is my sister, clearly she is only a sister in the blood sense, in every other sense she is someone I don’t need in my life. I don't intend to associate with her anymore than I have to.
If she was a friend I would have fallen out with her, just because we are related I don’t see why it should be any different.

THIS IS A RANT.

PURELY TO VENT MY STRESS.

Ok, so I moved back home, I understand the implications of this but can someone please tell me why me moving home and being the only one with a full time job means that I am the sole provider of everything in the house?

I am the only one that pays board yet I am the one that has my hairdryer broken (magically), my straighteners used, my clothes borrowed, my jewelery borrowed, my cosmetics used up, my towel borrowed and left in a soggy heap on the floor, oh and aparently that then also means that everything I own belongs to someone else.

There is more than one black vest in the world and in a house of 5 women you can guess one or two of them will be in the same house. Buying a black vest from a mainstream high street store doesnt make it a one off, so therefore there is bound to be another one somewhere, again it may even be in the same house! So just because you saw one hanging on the airer or saw me wearing one does not mean it is yours. Its MINE!!!! I bought the same top!!!!! IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?????

And when you ask me 2 months ago to borrow my white nail varnish and then you wonder why I get annoyed when you ask me every week following that? If you knew 2 months ago that you needed white nail varnish why haven't you bought you're own yet?! Its not rocket science! I AM NOT BOOTS!!!!

Also, when there is a tiny bit of milk left I am going to use it for my breakfast. That does not make me selfish it makes me the one who worked till midnight last night and has to be at work again today at 9am, therefore I deserve a breakfast. Your coffee that you need to set you up for the day of sitting on your arse and 'writing your disertation/playing on the internet' is not that essential. Get dressed, walk to the end of the street and buy some milk. I dont have time, I actually have a job to go to, so I can fund buying all the stuff you like to 'borrow' from me.

ARGH!!!!!! I intend to get a lock on my door and maybe buy a mini fridge too.....

Hands is back.
Saw him at the club. Was hoping to see him and find him not as amazing as I recall.
However, he was better.
Tall, gorgeous smile and shoulders pumped to perfection from a month of training.
Frustratingly fabulous.
Quick chat about his trip. Hug, kiss on cheek and a handshake...
What does a handshake mean? Awkwardness, confirmation of just friends?
Although why I consider this, its not like anything is going to happen, it never does.

Eternally single, internally lonely, externally happy with my 'freedom'.

I'm so miserable being single.
The word itself: not accompanied by another or others; solitary.
Not appealing anymore.

This weekend I have bumped into more past men than ever. Including one I had forgotten about. A drunken encounter some months ago, he is now newly single. The encounter was fabulous, very steamy and frenzied. Would like to try for another go. Doubt it is likely.

My weight is very up and down, cant seem to control it.
Overall, not feeling great about myself.

Shesh!!! If I don't get out of this job soon I am going to loose it! Abby is stressing constantly and she just talks at me and thinks she knows it all! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

Other than that, put the radio on this morning and they were playing a new song called I kissed a girl. Not an erotic song really but it seriously turned me on! I've been considering some girl action for a while now but I dont know where to find it!
Think it is certainly time I looked into it....
x

I am so annoyed!!!

First quick background... Busboy is this guy that I've been 'seeing' on and off for over a year. We get on well as friends and this time round of us 'seeing' each other it seems to be progressing. He's drunkanly invited me to his friends wedding and we're more relaxed around each other now. Its nothing serious though, just a convienience when we're drunk.

So, last night I'm out for Gemma's birthday and he comes across to talk to me. Now, I'm sure there are a few things you share with your friends about bedroom antics, I never reveal details but I'd told Gemma some daft things we'd done, like messing about in random clothes. Nothing major and not even anything sexual. Gemma took it upon herself to shout loudly everything that I'd told her. She's made me look like an idiot, no doubt embarrassed him and totally crossed a line with me.
I went back to his house last night, no sex but stayed over.
I thought that would be the end of it, but no, she's been on facebook and posted it all on his wall at 1am then today she's posted on my wall asking how annoyed was I that she'd revealed what I'd told her and said oh well, bet you still love me anyway.

I am so not impressed.

As for things last night with Busboy, he's said that as his housemate is always at his girlfriends I should start coming round, said he hates been in on his own so we could just have a few nights in and watch random tv. Hmm... this seems to be a progression.... Not sure how I feel about it and how I feel about him....

Well, Rich has been struck off my list. I don't care if he is interested or not. I saw him out on Saturday night and after a greeting kiss and hug it was if he spent the rest of the night avoiding me. I know he pops anything he can get his hands on so a night out isnt the best time to assess him but I havent got the patience to wait for him to decide what he wants. He also spent a lot of time with some skinny blonde thing.

Although, me moaning about his behaviour.... Its not like he's almost slept with one of my friends.
Can't really hold him avoiding me against him I guess...

Realising this has however brought me back to the fact that I try to hide so much.
Its damn lonely being single.
I have a lot of friends and I love them to bits but most are in relationships. Dee is single and we have fun being single girls but I really want someone who can come round and have a night in together and when we're out we can meet up towards the end of the night.
I want someone to get kisses and cuddles from, someone to text me nice things. Someone who makes me feel like I'm not a total man repellant and that I am appealing as more than a friend.
I want affection!

The really sad thing is that Hands really did make me feel amazing, not just in a sexual way. He was attentive to me all night, even before we went back to his, he seemed genuinly concerned that I was ok. When we were sleeping he wrapped himself around me and held me in that lovely way that makes you feel safe and protected. I've not had that in so long. Hands made me feel attractive and worth caring about.
I reckon when he's back from australia he'll be uninterested, I know it was more likely just a one night thing and I shouldnt dwell on it but I cant help it. He reminded me what I want. And what, no matter how hard I try, I cant get.
It really is lonely being single.

Decided to call in sick today. Went out with Gemma last night and made the mistake of drinking wine. Got very very drunk, embarrasingly so actually. Didnt feel hungover this morning but decided I do actually hate my job so called a sickie.
Worked out quite well actually, the weather was glorious so me and the lil sis sat in a beer garden all day. Fabulous :-)
There is something so satisfying in having a sick day when your not sick. Very refreshing!
x

My friends call me their own Gok Wan.

Footwear
You are going to need a change of shoes, flats for the day and heels for the night. However, the heels do need to be fairly comfortable, London is very spread out and there will be walking involved. Comfort is key, don’t spoil the enjoyment of being in London by suffering with sore feet.

Authorised Stylists
Ø      Cecin (Me) – Her talent is yet to be discovered by the people that will make her rich but one day she will be telling you how to look good naked and how to look amazing dressed.
Ø      Gok Wan – Nothing more needs to be said.
Ø      Stella McCartney – Considering her Dad dresses the way he does, she drags out some darn good outfits.

Unauthorised Stylists
Ø      The boys – They will tell you anything just to make sure you get ready quicker. Style cannot be accomplished in minutes. It takes time and patience.
Ø      Vivienne Westwood – Granted the woman is a genius, however she is a little outlandish and can only be used under careful supervision.
Ø      Sarah Jessica Parker – Looks amazing at all times but is basically a very, very good coat hanger, she could not dress herself and does have the added advantage of being a size 0. Mere mortals are not.

Just a quicky today seems I did such a long catch up yesterday.

Spoke to Roz this morning and aparently Rich told Jeff that he is really keen on me and even though he is sad to leave the Raf he hopes it will give him a chance to have a go at things with me. He said he thinks I'm really nice and funny in a way most girls arent (thats what happens when you have as many male friends as I do!), he said I'm different from the rest....
Also Jeff doesnt seem to think that he knows about me and Hands. The boys that do know are making an effort to make sure he doesnt find out, mainly because of how keen he says he is. Maybe he should tell me this!!!
Seriously, why cant it be simple?! If he likes me, tell me. Then I can say, yeh I'd be interested in making a go of things, see what happens. Then we could try this relationship thing that I hear so much about... Not that I ever have one....

ITS SIMPLE!!!!

Got a fabulous outfit planned for the weekend :-) Out with the girls for a friends birthday so we may end up in the club Rich generally goes to. Mainly because there is no-where else to go... I intend to look so amazing that he stops being a freak and does something about all the things he keeps telling his friends. Shesh!

I've also just had my hair revamped. 5 inches off and made very blonde. I almost cried when i had it done, genuinley devestated about the loss of length but loads of people have said how fabulous it looks. I've also been dieting for a few weeks and looking trimmer for it.
Overhall of life in process. I love having a shake up now and then

Wow! Not written in a really long time!
Shame really because I've had some serious fun going on!

Hmm... Now where do I start...?

Well, I kicked bedboy to the curb. I didnt speak to him for a while as I fell out with him due to some very unacceptable behaviour when I saw him in a club. Needless to say when I bumped into him a few weeks ago he was all smiles and kept sneaking kisses, which I gave him the cheek for! He tried a few back handed lines, all of which I cut him back with. He left as the loser and later text me telling me I looked gorgeous. Well...hello?!!!

Been spending plenty of time with Dee, having a wail of a time! Also spent lots of time with the boys and and Vicky, (the original flatmate who gets married this year). We went camping at the weekend, good fun if not rather cold!

I've managed to drag myself into another of my life overhalls. Oh god this one is going to be tough!
Ok, so firsty, I met this guy...known him to say hello to for a while and he is a friend of some guys I know. So anyway, went out for one of the guys birthdays and he was out. We got talking, got on really well and swapped numbers. He text me as soon as he got home and we arranged a date. The date went very well, he was a total gentleman and we didnt stop talking all night, he asked me back to his house to watch a film we both love but I had to decline knowing I had to be at work the next day. He walked me home and I got a fabulous snog on the doorstep.
Fabulous!
So... all sounds good so far? Well, as usual it gets complicated.
I heard nothing from him for him until I bumped into him one weekend, his face lit up when he saw me, came bounding over, gave me a big kiss and apologised for not texting me. He then spent the rest of the night with me, snogging and such like. His friends, who are also my friends, kept asking me random stuff like hows it going with you and Rich? And I even got warned that I better take care of him.
Very strange.
I asked him what his thoughts on us were and he said he didnt want to start anything until he finished in the Raf in 3 weeks, I said I would wait.
When the club kicked out he disappeared. I went to a party of one of our mutual friends and thought no more of it.
Now, Roz works with his housemate, Jeff. He told her that it was made clear by Rich that we were together and that he was really keen on me. All good!
Again, however, heard nothing from him.

Bump into him a week later and he was off with me. Got a brief conversation about nothing out of him and that was it. So I decided he was too much like hard work and went on my merry little way.
While out I get talking to another mutual friend of ours... well, to cut a long story short I end up going home with him. Tormented each other for a while with sarcasm and conversations about random things then things led...innocently....to the bedroom. Honestly, I dont think we had even kissed at this point! Although I was drunk so I wouldnt swear on it...

So as you could guess, one thing leads to another and even though there was no full on sex, there were plenty of other stuff going on there. I have to say... my god that man knows what he is doing! His fingers knew exactly what they were doing and where to touch to get the best feelings and when he went down on me it was like giving a dog a big bowl full of gravy! He went for it like it was his last meal! And my god did he get results from that! Never had such amazing orgasms from oral! AMAZING!
He also did this thing where I laid in his arms while he kissed my face and trailed his hands all over my body, no major sexual touching at this point but it turned me on like never before!
We slept in very late and when we woke he made me toast and smoothies. A mutual friend came round and when they both headed into town he dropped me off at home.
God to I regret not having sex with him....

So. The pickle I find myself in is that Hnds has now gone to Australia for a month to play rugby and when he returns I would really like to finish what we started and Rich has finished in the Raf and has been in touch. Turns out the reason he was off with me is because that night I saw him was a year since his Dad had died and he wasnt in the mood for any romancing. Man did I feel cruel...

I'm out this weekend and will probably see Rich, so do I see what happens, knowing he will probably know about me and Hands? ARGH!!! What a mess!!!

Oh and just before I finish...I'm considering becoming a no sex escort so I can clear my debts quickly. Anyone got any thoughts on this? And can you make any real money from not doing the sex? Is there such thing?

Ta ta for now kids! xxx

He text me the second I saved that!!!

Here's what he said:

I'll be honest hun I'm not looking for anything more and because I do really like you... And I mean that... Maybe we should just be friends... I fancy you and think your sexy but with work (his job is stressful), the little one (he has a 4 year old daughter) and other bits... I'm just too selfish with my time!... Hope you still love me!? Ha x

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN! I see the nice way of saying no in there but if he fancies me, thinks I'm sexy and really likes me what the hell is the problem?! I'm not asking to spend every day with him!!!
HELP!!!!

Why is it when you get drunk you send stupid texts to the guy you like?! Or rather, why do I send stupid texts?!!

Went out with Dee last night, saw one of my new clients who I'd 'happened' to mention to during the day where I was going. Not actually thinking he would go! Well he did, got talking to him, he is seriously cute, loaded and a really nice guy. So we exchanged numbers and he text me almost straight away asking if he could take me out. I'm not actually sure if I'm allowed to, work sort of issues could arise... Mentioned it to Abby, who I work with and she didnt know either... Both going to have a think about it and I'm going to check my contract and see. Its really wierd having to think about all eventualities before the first date, you dont know how things may turn out, all bases need to be covered! Its hard work!!!

Anyway, onto the drunk texts. I saw bedboy last night, y'no the one I cant read the signals on? Well, he'd already emailed me and said he was having a night in as so when I saw him he said he caved into the boys! Well, guess we've all done it! That wasnt the problem, it was the girl he was stood with. Not generally being a jealous sort of person I got the hump, not just because of the girl but the fact he looked me up and down (not sure if it was in an appreciative way or not), spoke to me for a very short time, to tell me he had a meeting with the boss in the morning then wandered off with said girl. I was not impressed.
I decided to ignore him and anyway found the client guy entertaining enough!

The drink I was supping at told me to text him, so I did. Just calling him weak for caving in to going out. He text back protesting so I then replied with, "You could prove it by finding me instead of staying with that girl". Yes, stupid I know. He explained that she was an old school friend and they had never even kissed.

I had gone home by this point and fallen asleep so I didnt reply. Found the text an hour later and another saying "Oi, I'm talking to you!" So I told him I'd fallen asleep then drunkanly proclaimed that I was interested in him for more than sex. He replyed saying that he would be with me now if he could. I said that didnt answer my question so he replyed saying he hadnt realised I wanted more.

Obviously still not answering properly.

I then sent a load of drunkan ramble saying I did want him for more and could he let me know what it was he wanted before he could blow me out in a club again.
Needless today I didnt get a reply...

I sent him a message this morning saying I realised the texts sounded grumpier than I meant them to and that I should have slipped a cheeky ;-) in there somewhere, told him I hoped his meeting went ok and would be nice to hear from him soon.

No reply as yet...Think I may have blown it before anything even happens...

D'ya know I've complained something chronic about having no men around and when they do arrive I abuse the one I like when I'm drunk, meet another I may get sacked for, crazy guy who stroked me on the first date and the guy I had a drunkan night with who wont leave me alone!

I wonder if its simpler to not bother with men sometimes...!

Oh if anyone reads this before tonight, I'm wondering if I should text him to see if he fancies joining me at my friends house warming party tonight. See if I can show him I'm not about to boil his bunnies...

Well today is one of those days where I would like to wander around and swear at everything.
Mum wound me up this morning with one of her regular moans about god knows what, then work today was boring and I made a cock up that I shouldnt really have done, then I had a shockingly bad driving lesson where I reverted to taking corners in 3rd gear, forgetting to indicate and I screwed up my reverse around a corner so much I refused to attempt it again and started to drive home. Then I got home  to the dictatorship (my mother) and when I attempted to hang shelves in my room she told me I couldn't do it as she decided where things went because it was her house. I reminded her that I bought the shelves weeks ago and if she was that bothered she would have helped me then. She said she would buy me a bookcase and I reminded her that if I waited for her to buy me anything I would still be sleeping on a mattress on the floor waiting for the bed she was going to buy me.
Major case of it you want a job doing properly, do it yourself. As it was the drill I had borrowed from work was harder to use then it looked and I couldnt get the raw plug into the wall far enough no matter how far I drilled the hole.

Grrrr annoying!

To top all this off I have fallen for the classic woman's mistake. Sleep with a guy on a no strings basis then fall for him.
Stupid!
Ok, so a guy I know who I slept with last year at some point has been emailing me. When we slept together last time it was just a case of meeting up for the sex, although we do get on very well as friends. Well the emails have been arriving and I have been replying, fully aware of the fact we were heading straight to another session. What I haven't yet mentioned is that we had THE best sex I have ever had and he has also, on various occasions agreed with just how good it was. We broke my bed beyond repair, thats how good it was.
So, we arrange to meet on friday and it turns out that my house was going to be full and his flatmate had his family round, plan went to pot. I then text him and asked if he fancied coming round for a bottle of wine, that was all that was mentioned as we both knew there was going to be no privacy. So he came round, we sat in the kitchen with big sis and had a pleasant evening. He kept kissing me whenever he could and was touching my hair and my leg. All the signs where there. I told him I had a new bed that I had built myself, (cue him laughing at what he thought was a chat up line!) so we went up to my room and he snogged my face off.

Chemistry was rocking.

We ran off to his house, as we expected his flatmate's family to have left. Luckily they had. The rest I'm sure you can assume perfectly well.

Afterwards he lent me a t-shirt and we messed around on the internet, flicked through the tv and ate crisps. Then went went to bed. To sleep.

Right, so this all suggests at friends sleeping together, yes? Well, the things that have made me think otherwise is that I mentioned to him about my friends upcoming wedding and that the room cost £100, he said he would come as my date and pay for the room. I told him it was in October, to which he replied, "Yes, that ok, I'll still be around"

Next point. When I mentioned that I wanted to go away for my birthday but that it was unlikely to happen, he said "You never know what is around the corner. Someone may whisk you away"

Does this sound like he wants more than just the sex?

On Saturday night, I drunkardly text him, repeatedly as we had agreed that we would meet up for more of the same. He seemed keen but as we were both very very drunk we didnt meet up. I text him on sunday asking how he felt, got a reply and nothing further as to me asking what his plans were for the day.

My email I sent asking if he had recovered yesterday was responded to briefly with no other reply.....

Hmmm, reading this back to myself I realise I have totally stalked him! Maybe I should leave him alone for a day or so.....

Yes, so I'll leave him alone until say Thursday. Then ask him if he would like to meet for a drink soon. then see how he replies to that.

Big sis thinks he seemed interested but then men can sometimes deliberatly give off the signals just so they get the sex.

God knows....

Anyway, as it is probably very clear, todays blog has just been a rant, a way to get things off my chest. Thanks for listening. If you even got this far...

Oh, before I forget. Still no period. Going to go to the doctors soon just to double check...

And I told the guy that may be responsible that he was rubbish in bed and that he really needed to take his head out his ass and grow up.

Long story so I'll tell you another time!

Ta ta! I'm going to go read my book to destress xx 

Ok, so I did a test. Twice. Both are negative. One was a random generic cheap one and as I wasnt totally convinced I went and bought the posh, super expensive Clear Blue ones. It was also negative.
Phew.

Have to share with everyone how lovely a weekend I've had! Cant say there was anything particularly exciting but just generally nice
Friday was just a few drinks with the usual crew, had a curry afterwards which I totally regretted. I wasnt hungry and it was just extra calories and expense. Ah well, whats done is done as they say! Saturday my sister kindly woke me up at 8.30am to tell me we were going shopping at 9am. So I had to drag my ass out of bed and get sorted. Then I finally got the mess of hair sorted! I told my hairdresser to take my head as do as he willed and I came out with glossy golden wavey locks. I almost kissed him. Then my friend from school came round and we went for food and drinking. Very lovely. We laughed all night and it was like being 16 again, just without the pcoket money limits and the fact that rather than raiding the parents alchol stash we get to buy it ourselves. Obviously. Sunday was spent pottering.

Ah now technically Sunday wasnt spent pottering. It did involve an inprompu date with a cute albeit very bizarre boy called Jersey boy. I did laugh for most of the night however most of it was embarrased laughter due to him shamelessly complimenting me. Almost to the point of it being a bit strange. Kinda like you'd imagine it to be if you were some famous person who dated joe public and joe public was very unsubltle. Is that even a word? Ah well... Yeh, nice date I'd say but he is totally full on and in the sort of way that makes me wonder if thats just his sent of humour or if he is actually that sincere whilst still being very off the wall. Cant work it out really...

Ok so now my other ponder for the day... A guy who is a friend of a guy I used to have a bit of a thing for, lets call him Redman, has been emailing me byt the wonder that is facebook. In n one of his messages today he asked me when we are going out for a drink and a dance. Now I've never actually considered him as a potential for various superficial reasons yet him saying that made me think... Ok, so he has a fabulous job, great dress sense, from the facebook pictures he seems to have a good body (got to love the holiday snaps!), he is great to talk to and fairly intelligent or rather as intelligent and one can seem when leathered in the dirty stinky clubs that I tend to see him in. Wow the joys of the house music scene... Anyway, I wonder if drink and a dance means in a date sense or in a meeting as friends sense. I wonder... Annyway, I did email him back and as yet I am awaiting a response.
Watch this space.....

So other than my days pondering today has been an odd one. Masses of texts from all my friends and I went to the funeral of one of the guys from work. Strange sort of day really. However the sun cheered my up no end and I have been positively giddy all day

Ok, sign off now. Tata!
xx

Seems I've not written for a while. Guess moving house and making a point to myself that I really should crack on at work and show my worth rather than admitting defeat and skiving as best as I can, leaves me very little time to write a blog!

As it is I am now settled (as such) back in the 'warm bud' of my family home. I say as such, seems after being back here for all of 3 weeks it is very clear that me moving back is very unwelcome. I have been blamed for mum falling down the stairs, the house being a mess, there not being food in the cupboards and general grumpiness in the house. Clearly ignoring the fact that my sisters are on easter holidays so the younger sister has had her friends and her on-off boyfriend round all the time, mum has split up with her git of a boyfriend and is utterly miserable about it and my older sister has got essays to hand in and has had to take a second bar job just to be able to fund her trips to university. Clearly that is all my fault so therefore I need to be made to feel as much of an annoyance as possible. All the things that i was looking forward to when moving back are now a distant memory. All I can think of now is, I wonder who's living in my flat now and can I really afford to move back out anytime soon?

Its all rather depressing really.

To add insult to an already miserable month I havent had a period for 6 weeks and there is a strong possibility that the drunkan one night only fling may actually have caused THE most unwanted pregnancy possible.
Actually, the only reason it would be unwanted is that the person responsible is nothing more than a friend, a man about town (or would like to think he is) who would be as good a father as a box of fireworks. That and the fact I am living at home, in considerable debt and still trying to find my career feet, means that if I am in a reproduced state then it would quickly have to be rectified.

I have always said that I couldnt have an abortion, no matter what the circumstances but now that it may actually be a circumstance, I now realise that you cant make that statement until you have been there yourself. The equally annoying part is that I am now realising that instead of running away from the idea of having children and being married, I now see that having a nice house, a flash car and a high flying career isnt always the best. I hate being on my own for one thing, so my lovely house would be a very frustrating place to be.

I was out with a friend and her 18 month old daughter, Lucy at the weekend and watching them both and spending time with Lucy made me jealous. Sam has this adorable little girl who even when she is crying for no reason, clearly adores her. We were shopping and lucy was allowed out the pram for a toddle and kept dancing and being generally cheeky. She kept clutching onto my hand and playing with me. She was in no means being perfectly charming but she really did make me smile. It was the bond between them both that I found amazing, obviously I have seen mothers and daughters before but never when the mother is a close friend of mine. She is still the same person I met but now she has this little life who she has slotted into her life. I cant say it was easy for her because I know it hasnt been but for all the struggle she has had, she now has this child who will love her forever. It really did make me put a whole new perspective on my already sketchy 5 year plan.

I realise I do actually want the man, the house and the child(ren). I want to create something amazing and share it with a man who loves me as much as I love him. I want a reason for staying home at night rather than staying in because i have nothing else to do. I want to cuddle up, knowing that baby is asleep and safe in bed, knowing that the home we have is one we created.
Problem I have is that I cant find a man who even wants to date me let alone do the rest of it.
Is the reason I'm feeling like this because I am in fact already pregnant and its just my hormones playing with me or am I just growing up?

I had a dream last night that I had a little girl called Georgia. She was amazing, curly blonde hair, big eyes and cubby hands. Perfect. It was even so vivid as to me breast feeding her and seeing my nipples exactly as they are for real. Again, is this because I'm pregnant or is it just the fact that I'm worried about it?
I did a test last week and it was negative but it was only one of those cheap tests, Sam did one and it was negative so she bought one of the clear blue ones and it came back positive. She is now 3 months pregnant with her second child.
I'm going to buy on of the clear blue tests tomorrow.
If I am, he doesnt need to know and he wont be told. No good would come of it.

One thing I have learnt this year is that I am actually very lonely. i have 2 friends I could confide anything in, Sam and Gemma, knowing that they would be there for me no matter what. The girl I would call my best friend has let me down at the time when I needed her the most and while I tell her my secret sex scandals and tell her most of my secrets its more of the fact that I see her more than I see the others. Dont get me wrong, I adore her, my best memories of my adult life as shared with her, she has previously been an amazing best friend but since she met this guy who she is marrying this year, he is her ultimate in her life. I know I couldnt ring her and say I needed her right away and know she would come, she wouldnt. Its a sad fact, knowing how inseperable we were.

Out of all these friends, I am the only single one. Sam is married with Lucy and another on the way and Gemma is newly engaged and utterly loving coupled life. I cant ring them up and call up a spontanious night out, they have other prorities.

I guess my biggest issue is that I want to feel needed and loved. Maybe thats what all this boils down to...

Its not even lunchtime and already drama is afoot!
Actually, before I even start this I should say that I've decided to give everything that air of mystery! Names have been changed to protect the innocent and all that palaver...

So before I sign off for now I'll say that its finally sunny! Woohoo! I do love a good bit of sun in February. Got the girls round for tea tonight, I was up at 7am cooking a chilli, think I may need some more chilli beans to pop in tonight. Remind myself to buy some...