Ceci est tout

Well its all change since I last wrote. Well in some ways it is.
The London move has been cancelled, turned out the guy who offered Fiona the job wasnt planning on giving her that great a salary and then she met a guy and has fallen in love so she's staying here.
I'm still stuck at my job but thankfully only for another 22 days I'm leaving to go do a 3 month voluntary placement in South Africa. Utterly cannot wait! Going to be working for an organisation that deals with the rehabilitation of endangered monkeys, will be living in an eco village and going on my own, very very scary but I really need to get away.
Time to make some decisions about what I want to do with myself. I don't know what career I want to do, I dont know if I want to move away from home again, if I want a boyfriend, if I want to learn how to drive, if I want to get a nose job....
There are so many things I'm confused about I think this time away will be good for me to think on my own. Make some decisions about who I am and what I want.

Things on the man front have kept fairly ok until recently. There has been nothing going on at all. Me and Busboy have become good friends, its wierd, I stay at his house, we snuggle on the sofa and we speak regularly yet there's nothing happening. Couldnt decide if I wanted anything to happen, until he decided to snog me on Saturday night, just grabbed me as he was leaving and snogged me. A little random but it didnt make any sparks fly for me. It just confused me as to why he would do that.
Anyway, to make things more difficult I've become really good friends with some of his friends, 2 in particular are now what I would class as 2 best friends. I'm going to miss them a lot while I'm away.
So, there is obviously this group of men, Busboy, Greg and Ed (the new besties) and others. Now, one of the others asked me out last week, seems to be rather nice, doesnt come out as often as the rest do so I dont know him as well but thought good things. My only hesitation was that I'm going away in 4 weeks, dont really want to start anything up so told him this. Fine, no problem. That is until Busboy snogged me and Ed told all the boys. So this guy, Oliver was clearly not impressed so then chatted up 2 of my friends and took one of them out last night. Granted he is well within his rights to but how damn ridiculous! Not my fault Busboy snogged me!
Just happened that the girl his took out is more a friend of Fiona's who comes out sometimes, who I actually dont particularly like. I find her arrogant and scheming. She also happens to be a massive whore. Harsh, yes but I don't care, its true.

Unfortunately I did/do actually quite like Oliver but the sort of man who dates someone like her isnt the sort of man I want to be with.
I am totally spitting my dummy out about this but I've had enough!
Work is exhausting at the moment and then I've got this going on.
I just want to be gone. Away from it all so they can all faff about as much as they like...

Well, looks like its all going ahead. I'm moving to London! Well the decision has been made to go, Fiona has accepted the job and I now need to find one myself. In times of this recession rubbish, its going to be easier said than done. Got a friend helping me fine tune my CV to make it seem worthwhile to pay me £30,000 for a job that there's probably hundreds of other applicatants for. Lets face it, I'm a 22 year old firl with no degree but a lot of determination, ambition and a major drive to get something out of my life. I dont want a family in the foreseeable future so I want a career, staying where I am now isn't going to cut it. Plus I think the time has come to 'find myself', if I cant do it in an unknown city as big as London where I know only the person I'm going with then I guess I cant do it anywhere!
Mum's already having a bit of a sulk at me for planning on moving so far away, she wants us all to stay at home so she knows where we are. Clearly cant get to grips with the fact that we're all grown up now and its unusual that we're all still single and living at home. Bless her.
So, the move will probably be August time. So I've got 3 months to find a job, a house, figure out London's transport systems, save money for a deposit and first months rent, plan moving my enitre life to somewhere I've visitied for no more than a weekend and get to grips with the unknown of it all.
This is all on top of the worry that living with Fiona's 7 year old boy is going to be very very hard. I'm not the biggest fan of children, especially small boys and I like my space and my quiet. When there's a child in the house, this aint going to happen. I know Fiona will make him aware of everything he needs to be, so he won't run riot but its still the biggest thing that is worrying me.
The positives of it all is a fresh start, I am so looking forward to going to places I've never been to before, meeting people who know nothing about me, who've never dated my sister, friend or mother. I cant wait to go somewhere where I can be me. Not Amy's sister, not the girl that lives in that house full of women round the corner, not the girl that is friends with so-and-so.
I will be me.
Whoever I find that to be.
I'm also very excited to meet new men, ones who I don't have to worry about who they already know. the amount of times I've been out with the girls and eyed up a man to find that one or 2 of my friends have already slpet with him. In London that aint going to happen.
I absolutely cannot wait.
I can be me and I intend for that me to be the very best I can be. I want a job to be proud of and now that I've joined the gym, a body to be proud of and a vigure for life.
I will be the optomisitc girl I was at 18.
No one to make me feel like the fatty of the household, the vain girl of the office and the sister of the girl who dates (and sleeps with) a lot of men.
A whole new me. Improved.

Well went out for my fortnightly Super Sunday with Fiona last night. Dont thing I've mentioned her before, known her as long as I've known Vicky (the recently married one), back in the days when we were all single and hardcore partiers! She's utterly fabulous, sometimes we don't see each other for a while but whenever we do we always have a amazing time, call on her for anything anytime sort of friend. Anyway, over the past few months we've seen a lot of each other and got really close again. She's been offered a job in London, really good job and would give her and her little boy a really good heads up in life, problem she's facing is firstly taking her little boy away from his Dad and it's so far away from here that she'll be pretty isolated, so she just briefly mentioned last night that she was considering it and would I go with her if she asked me to.
Of course I would! Would be strange living with a little boy (I dont really have much experience with children!) but he's a cutie and I really do adore Fiona, plus... living in London! Always wanted to do it but not on my own.
Soooo....she's thinking about it, knowing now that I would go with her, who knows, I could end up living in the big smoke! How exciting!
x

Yeahy! The boy from the other city has been texting me this weekend and said he's coming to my city in a few weeks and do I still want to meet for a drink. I tried to contain my excitement as I said yes I showed the messages he's been sending to Dee's new boyfriend and he said they are definately good messages.
Watch this space people! x

I hadn’t realised just how long it has been since I last wrote. I’d like to say a lot has happened but it hasn’t really. I saw a bit of Mr System over Christmas, mainly from the fact we have the same social areas and friends, no planned meetings. I’ve actually come to realise that he really is a distorted person. In the sense that even his best friend couldn’t understand what happened, apparently he went from talking about me a lot to not talking about me at all. I’ve still got a bruised ego on the fact that he made all the right noises then dropped me without warning, but now I’m more aware that he has his own issues that even his friends don’t understand so it would be pointless for me to even try.

On the man front there is still no further advancement. I’ve not really met anyone who is potentially anything, generally, if I’m honest its because they don’t show a great deal of interest in me, not really great grounds to form anything on!
There has been a guy who asked for my number in a bar one Sunday night who then turned out to have given me a fake name and a fake job. Told me he worked away on oil lines in Africa when it turns out we have a mutual friend who told me his is actually a policeman. Not quite the same thing!
I’ve also met a guy a few weeks ago, just met him in a bar, he lives in a city about an hour away from me, but this one is at least replying to my messages! Takes him a while to but its more than I’ve had off anyone for a while. He’s already asked if I would like to meet him for a drink when we are both in the same city, which considering he works around the county, it may not be in the too distant future! If not I may just organise a visit to his city…
Last weekend I had a good snog with a friend. He’s only a friend in the fact that we go round the same bars and we have mutual friends, seriously hot though. He’s a PE teacher. Nice guy as well as being incredibly sexy, he’s in his thirties so older than the guys in the 20s that I would normally date but he has totally got the man thing going on. Men in their 20s still don’t look like men, they have a bit of a boy thing still going on and they don’t fill out across their shoulders properly.
Gerard Butler, now there’s a man that has matured VERY well…

So, I still hate my job but now it bothers me less. Today I have been with the company for 3 years and I’m smiling to myself knowing that I won’t be here for the next anniversary. Unless I meet the man of my dreams, (which, lets face it, is going to remain a dream) I shall be running off to Asia to go travelling. I’m thinking either New Zealand or go to Asia itself and teach English. As long as I’m out the country and away from this job I don’t really mind!
I’m also a little happier than I have been over the past few months, I’ve been dieting, I’ve rediscovered a love for Weetabix with butter on so I’m using that for most meals and as its kinda sweet it is solving my chocolate cravings. Lovely! Only been at it 2 weeks and I can already tell the difference. My friends have commented too, as have a few clients.
Obviously keeps a smile on a girls face

Oh and just to add a little more happiness to my life, I got tickets to go see Michael Jackson. I know he creates a lot of controversy but I was brought up on his music and I’ve loved him for as long as I can remember. If I succumb to the worry that he’s not well enough to perform so I shouldn’t waste my money on the risk then I’ll regret it forever. This way I have something to look forward to that I already have the tickets for.
Anway, hope my catch up hasn’t bored anyone too much! Hope you are all well and I’ll try to pop back very soon x

When I had drank a few on Thursday night I let my friend Judy talk me into texting Mr System to see if he was out, he replied quickly to say he wasnt, we had a bit of a text conversation, centering around when we were next going to go out. I know I said I wasnt going to chase anymore but I really wanted a complete conclusion to him.
He stopped replying after a while, without saying when and if we were going to go out again.
So on Friday I decided to try one last time, get my final answer and asked him outright.
No reply.

Deleted his number, his messages and tried to delete him from my thoughts.
That one I cant quite manage.

For some reason, this one hurts more than the others ever have. Yes I've met lots of men, had feelings for them but all of them have been easy to move on from. Generally done after a day or so of nursing a bruised ego.
This one hurts.
I cant stop thinking about him, he's in my thoughts most of the day. I think of him on a night when I go to bed and have to stop myself emailing him during the day at work.
I wanted him to meet my friends, maybe come to Vicky and Rob's wedding as my guest. I really wanted this one to work.
Stupid after one date, but I did and his behaviour made me think thats what he wanted too.
Obviously I was wrong.

I wonder if the reason he suddenly backed off was because he found out about my past with Bedboy. He is a good friend of Bedboy and might not be happy knowing we have had encounters.
If thats the case why hasnt he just said so rather than still giving me hope.

I'm an emotional wreck whenever I think of him and could cry now, just writing this.
It hurts to know that he thinks so little of me when I think so much of him.
I wish I could hate him for it but I know thats its very likely to be my own loose past that has put him off.
Either that or I am actually unlovable.

I’ve decided I’m never going to be interested in another man ever again. All they do is show interest then back off for no reason at all and reject any advances I make.
I end up feeling shit, unwanted and undesirable. No-one deserves to make me feel like that yet every single one of them I meet does.
Therefore I am never falling for it again.
I am giving up all of my romantic ideas, it’s only ever happens to other people, never to me.
There must be something that makes me unsuitable for anything further than the initial date.

I’m sick of getting my hopes up only to be made to feel rubbish about myself afterwards.

I am now going to resign myself to be eternally single. I can’t hurt myself, reject myself or make myself feel unlovable.

Totally utterly disappointed that I haven’t figured this out by now…

Some people really like the excitement of the first stages of dating.
You know, after the first, maybe second date, you're keeping in contact, tentatively but still in contact.
That can be intriguing, excitement at the unknown and the potential.

I don't find that. I find it irritating and a little too much like a game.

If you like the person you have dated, tell them, compliment them, shyly if you feel that way. Don't go from texting everyday to only texting occasionally and not putting the kisses on the texts that you originally did.
And then don't play a game when we bump into each other on a night out that you'll slyly touch me, kiss on the cheek when friends arent looking then just give me a hug when you leave.
Don't hide me and if you're playing it cool to keep your business personal from your friends, then tell me. I can be cool!

And what on earth does it mean when you say you wouldnt want to jump into sex straight off the cuff when we'd been drinking. Not as the first time. What does that mean? I'm not used to that!

Are you slowing down after realising that things went very quickly at the start, I met half your family on the second date and you dont want to drop into a comfortable relationship that quickly? Not that I want a comfortable relationship, I like fun and excitement but I like hearing from you, I smiled all last week and was nicer to my customers as a result of you emailing me all day. I went to bed after receiving a goodnight message from you and smiled my way to sleep.
Now all I get is a short response when I text you.

Well I'm not doing it anymore. You want me, you want to see me? Well you text me. I'm not doing all the chasing. This works both ways and I dont play games and I get bored easily so dont play them.

Or is it the simple fact that you do really like me but you want to be single when you go on holiday in October, so you're dragging this out as long as you can?
I hope not. I barely keep interest in 'The Game' long enough to last a few weeks, by October they'll be someone else intriging me.

I need a hint, you need to let me know or you'll loose me and from the little hints you have given me, I think you wouldnt want that.
Just dont play the game. I hate games.

Finally! We got the first date done with! We went to the beach, shared a seafood platter, that he hated and pulled faces that made me hurt with laughter then we hid from the rain in the amusements with my handbag full of 2ps, we realised the rain wasnt going to stop so just went for it and got soaked. Lovely day though!

We laughed all day about everything, had a kiss in the car when he dropped me off. Been texting each other since

Looks wise, not my type at all but perfect personality and definately fanciable.
Watch this space...

Wow! I hadn't realised just how long it has been since I last wrote!
Life has been totally hectic this last month, working 70 hour weeks and still trying to grab sleep and a social life in between all that.
Life is calmer now.
Well there is less work on.
I'm back down to 60 hour weeks.

So, the update!
I have met some new people, met a new man, decided the new man was just another toser and then amazingly I have met another man, who seems to be scarily wonderful!
Saying that, we haven't been on our first date yet and have only met twice but since we exchanged numbers a week ago we haven't stopped texting and emailing each other. I'm beginning to see it a little like online dating just knowing that we have met previously.

The first man, works at the local Cannon's gym, seemed nice enough, had a late night snogging session on my kitchen sofa and when I saw him out the weekend after, his friends asking him when he was going to take me out, he out of the blue, in front of a group of mutual friends, say's 'I have a problem with dating girls who have already slept with one of my friends'.
Ouch.
I assumed, as did the mutual friends, that he meant Bedboy.
It would appear he didn't.
When he apologised later in the night he said he heard it was someone else who is currently with one of my friends. This is actually untrue, however I'd already mentioned Bedboy and the damage was done.
Last weekend he rang and text me incessantly one night asking me to meet him, this progressed to hotel requests. I bluntly told him via text that I had more about myself than to go to a hotel with someone who last week thought he was too good for me.
He text the next day apologising and has since tried to keep in touch, however I have met the new man and I'm hoping this one comes out right.

New man, Mr System is a friend of a friend, well actually a friend of Bedboy, which is inconvenient but passable...
Anyhoo, we met out one night and got on well, met again the following week and exchanged numbers. Since then we have spoken every day by text or email. We are very friendly with each other, speaking almost as if we have dated for a while. He texts things saying he wants a snuggle, I sent him one of those forward funny email's and he replied saying it reminded him of me. We text to say goodnight every night.
Yet we still haven't gone on the first date! We arranged one but a family meal came up and he couldn't make it, so far we are tentative for tomorrow daytime but who knows what may come up!
Getting frustrated because its as if someone wrote an instruction manual
on how to get me to fall for someone and gave it to him. I am totally falling for him and I think I need someone to give me a damn good slapping!!! And I hope to god he’s being sincere but the chances are he’s a clever pregnant fish like the rest of the men I've met and he’s saying everything he is just to screw with me or screw me, either way, its not good.
I know I shouldn't write it off before we even get on the first date but knowing how other men have treat me its hard to not look at it with skeptism...